You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
