worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
