I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
