Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
