Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
