Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
