I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
