So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
