I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
