I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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