I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
