Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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