the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
