I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
