Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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