I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
