If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
