The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
