I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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