Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
