guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
