I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
