Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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