so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
