Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
