If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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