I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
