just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
