ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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