I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
