Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
