The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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