i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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