Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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