The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
