If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
