And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
