what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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