why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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