you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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