I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I AM VODKA MAN
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Two words: blizzard sex
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
