Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
