You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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