So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
