I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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