mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
