Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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