Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
