I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
