I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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